salam malam nisfu syaaban ♡

Hi there, it is already the second month of 2026. Time flies, for sure. Many things have happened, and it is too hard to cope. I'm physically, emotionally and mentally tired. I had a lot to take care of, and I'm really just starting to doubt my capabilities, or maybe I wasnt feeling it. This year started off confusing to me in so many ways. I wondered if my choices felt right, even after everything that happened. I had a stir of feelings, and I would get overwhelmed most of the time, and the hardest thing was to keep a straight face when all I wanted to do was scream my lungs out. I mean, life isnt too bad honestly, and maybe I was just being overdramatic, but I'd like to think that whatever I feel is valid. Remember all the things I said goodbye to in 2026? I wish those things stayed with me, even after everything that happened. I learn so many things from what happened previously, but I'm sure things would've turned out differently if I had different reactions to it. Am I regretting those things? Not really, because everything happens for a reason and I'm sure there are bigger and better things coming ahead of me, but am I really and entirely ready for it? I guess I'll never know. A part of me would like to just sit still and do nothing. So tonight is malam nisfu syaaban, which is regarded as a night of mercy, forgiveness, and blessings. I prayed for so many things, and I truly wish my prayers are granted by Allah SWT. Some might want a lot of things in life but I only wish for a peaceful life and to be surrounded by my family and the people I love. This month is the month of Ramadan and I will definitely take this chance to be closer to Allah SWT.   

10 Questions I ask myself before 2026

Hi there, I remembered that I used to ask myself 10 questions before the year ended. I did this back in 2014 and 2016. I even had one posted here back on 21st December 2016. Doing this helps me see how much I have evolved, not just in terms of achievement, but also in the kind of mindset I've developed over the years. I decided to answer these questions again before we embrace 2026, and I will be using the same questions I did back in 2014 and 2016. So here we go! 

1. Am I happy with where I'm at in life right now? 

I am personally happy with how I see life right now. I must say that this year taught me so much about what truly matters in life. I mean, it's not my best year for sure, but I am definitely beyond grateful that I was able to again experience another whole year. I may not be in my prime right now, but I learn to accept that it is okay to be where I am at this very moment, as long as I'm happy internally.

2. What am I passionate about? What am I doing to pursue my passion? 

I've always had a passion for streaming games or just making vlogs and being creative in video editing. I actually did it during PKP. I managed to upload a few videos on YouTube, but it was just for fun, and I never had the intention to commit to it, as it was a lot of work. But I had so much fun doing it, probably gonna post more in the future (only if I really feel like it). 

3. Who & what things are weighing me down that I need to get rid of? How will I do it? 

I'm pretty sure I already got rid of who and what things have been weighing me down this year. I'm actually happier now and so glad I survived the pain. I don't really like mentioning hurtful things that happened in the past, as I have already made peace with it. All I can say is that I feel so much better now, everything just feels lighter and warmer hehe

4. What do I need to forgive myself for? 

I had a habit of blaming myself for things that didn't go my way, and I really just want to forgive myself for doing that. I made terrible decisions this year, and I would always blame myself for not thinking things through, but then I realized that everything happens for a reason. Hence, I made peace with it and learn to accept myself even more this year. I've come to realization that I really need to put myself first in the upcoming years. As long as I'm happy, I'll be fine with whatever.

5. When did I feel most alive this year? What was sacred about that moment? 

I feel most alive when I'm with my family, especially my siblings. We would just hang out together and do the most random things, and we would laugh out loud over silly jokes. I very much enjoyed playing games with them. It's always such a blast to be around my siblings. I'm the happiest when I'm with my family, cats, and hamsters! Each moment I spend with them is sacred, and I will never trade them over anything in this world. I'm just grateful to be born in this family. Yes, we do have our ups and downs, but we always have each other's backs. I'm beyond grateful to be a part of my family. 

6. What self-actions can I practice on a daily basis? 

I've said this back in 2014 and 2016, but I'm gonna say it again, I should drink more water! I'm always so dehydrated, but I'm trying to consume more water, and I don't drink coffee as often, so I should be good. I used to get so addicted to coffee and would have it daily, but it somehow affected my health; therefore, I decided to cut caffeine. 

7. What do I want to let go of? 

I have let go of so many things this year, but it was indeed necessary to do so; hence, no regrets. One thing that I sorta wanna let go of would be how much I care for people. Caring is fine, but just not as much as I used to like before. I don't want to be walked over or trampled on anymore. I wanna let go of those bits of me, as some people truly don't deserve it. 

8. What do I want to dedicate 2026 to? 

Previously, I used to have a lot of hope for the upcoming years. But after experiencing this year, I would rather not. I don't have anyone or anything to dedicate 2026 to, but all I can say is that I'm just gonna go with the flow. This time, really just wanna see how things flow because when you have expectations, and it didn't turn out the way you expected, it hurts like hell. 

9. What did I learn about myself in 2025?

I learned so much this year, especially how strong I was during those hurtful events. I remember how I would always ask people for their impression of me, and I got a lot of "you're a strong one", and when I heard these words, I didn't really get it because I never took myself as the strong one until this year happened. I finally realize how strong and resilient I have been throughout this year, and kudos to me for that! I'm happy that now I'm focusing more on how I truly feel. I'm finally choosing myself this time. I used to feel bad for choosing myself, but not this time, never again.

10. What did 2025 represent to me in my path? 

I went through a lot this year. I did things out of my comfort zone. I tried a lot of new things this year, such as being an emcee for professional and formal events, and many more. I created so many memories with those who are still and no longer a part of my story. Honestly, this year started really well, and I was very happy in the first 3 to 4 months, but it just gradually decreased over the months. I was very much broken in the last 4 months, but Alhamdulillah, I'm feeling so much better now. There were times when I would just feel very empty inside and so lost. But I managed to find my way back to myself. I'm no longer in pain. I've accepted that things needed to happen the way they happened. I'm beyond thankful for the lessons I've learned this year. They definitely made me wiser, and now I'm focusing more on my upcoming journey and getting closer to Allah SWT.

So, these are my answers to the 10 questions I asked myself before 2026 arrives. Looking back at what I wrote in 2016 definitely proves how much I have evolved. It has been 9 years since I last answered these 10 questions. Time flies, huh? A lot has happened in these 9 long years, and I have developed gradually, but most importantly, I've learned so many things over these years, and I'm truly grateful for everything. Alhamdulillah ♡

a letter to my hardest goodbye ♡

Hi, so yeah, this is pretty much a closure letter to my hardest goodbye. The hardest goodbye after all these years. Someone I loved for so many years, and I will always love this person for his heart. Though we may not be destined for each other, I will always be grateful to have known him. It hurts when you really want something to happen, but when God does not allow it to happen, you should know that it is a protection for the unknown future. After all, God's plan is the greatest of all. Why a closure letter for him? We have weeks left before we finally enter a brand new year. A lot of painful things happened this year, but this one truly breaks my heart. I never thought I would have to finally close the chapters of him in my life. After years of loving this guy, I had to choose myself and my own happiness. It hurts more when you know that this will be the last time. Before this year, I knew he would have open arms for me no matter how long we grew apart from each other. The road somehow always leads me back to him, but this time, I know this is the very last time. I'm never going to have another place in his life, and knowing this truly breaks me. Do you know the feeling when you have to make the right decision for yourself, even though you still love this person, and you know that they're not the right one for you? It hurts me to the core. In life, you have to make sacrifices, and this is one of mine. Yes, I do love him and I always will. I hurt him so much to the point that I'm no longer welcomed in his life, but I want him to know that I definitely did not do it on purpose. It had to happen. I was very much torn between the choices I had to make. But of course, no one knows my honest intention and what I truly feel inside. I had a dream of him, and he seemed happy with the life he has now. Though it was just a dream, I wished I had the chance to see him again, even for the last time. Before I embrace 2026, I really just want a good and clean closure with him. I want a fresh start in 2026, and I hope to leave every painful thing that happened this year in 2025. I do not wish to bring any of those painful memories in 2026. Saying goodbye to him is the hardest thing I've ever done, since that was not what I truly wanted, but I had to. I hope he meets the right one and finds his own happiness. He has every right to let me be the villain in his story. I truly understand if he does not want to talk to me, ever. But if he understands the actual reason I decided things to be this way, I hope he would still, at the very least. I wish him truly the best of luck, and may he achieve everything he ever wanted, and may he be successful in whatever he does. I want him to be happy, even though I'm no longer by his side. If you're reading this, I want you to know that I will always love you no matter what. Please be happy, always ♡

2025 ♡

Hi there! It has been a while since I last posted here. My previous post was actually published on 16th September 2021, which is approximately 4 years, 2 months, and 12 days ago, as confirmed by Copilot. Back in 2021, I don't think Copilot, ChatGPT, or Gemini even existed. Based on my own research, ChatGPT was released on 30th November 2022. Copilot was released as Bing Chat on 7th February 2023, whereas Gemini was publicly launched on 8th February 2024. Time flies, huh? Anyway, I just feel like posting here again. I really missed expressing my feelings through writing. I remember that I would always come here whenever I felt depressed. I mean, you can kinda tell from my previous posts that I used this platform to just vent my feelings out, mostly during bad days. Recently, I've been reminiscing about the good old days. I just wish that I could turn back time, but I couldn't bear to go through certain things, and even if I could change them to be better, I probably wouldn't be able to reach this version of me if I had them all changed. Thanks to those experiences that molded me to be this version of my very own self. But enough about that. I'm here to talk about my 2025, what I've learned throughout the year. Honestly, 2025 started off well to the point where I feel scared that I might get hurt later. But I was indeed right about it because it was just too good to be true. I was tested at the beginning of the year. I honestly thought that someone whom I used to call the love of my life would end up being my life partner, but Allah's plan is far better than mine. I'm sure God heard things that I don't, and so I decided to call it quits. I knew it had to be done a long time ago, but I just don't have the guts to do it. Thanks to my years of experience in being resilient, I survived the pain. It was definitely not easy, especially when I had to pretend that I was fine, though I was literally dying inside. I wouldn't say that I'm fully healed, but I'm getting there, or just getting used to feeling that way. Well, that is just one of the bad chapters in my 2025 book. So many things happened this year that taught me so much about relationships, friendships, and life. I always care for people in ways that they don't even realize, and I got walked over and trampled on. Honestly, it was very painful because I never thought they would do such a thing. After all that I've done for them, even the little things, but this is what I get in return. Some would say that it was not even a big deal, but I don't care what anyone says because this is a very big deal to me. Ensuring that I'm surrounded by genuine and supportive people is a very big deal to me. Truthfully, it still hurts to this day because I swear I cared so much about those people. It might not seem like I do, but I always wished the best for them until I realized their true intentions towards me. After all, actions speak louder than any words ever could. I stopped, I closed that book. I wouldn't say that I cut ties, but I prefer to not be as close to them as I was before. The privileges they had with me are no longer available. I'm no longer the person I was before. I still choose kindness, though, but only for the ones who are truly deserving of it. Life is short, you gotta remove the pretentious ones. I got so many other things to think of, so this had to be removed instantly. But I'm grateful for everything that happened. It is definitely an eye-opener. Alhamdulillah for the lesson! No more next time, once should be enough. I could not summarize everything that happened this year in this one post, but I think this is good enough. If you reach the end of this post, I wanna say thank you for getting here. Thanks for spending your precious time reading my random life rants. Anyway, I'll see you when I see you (when I feel like posting one, I mean the previous post was like 4 years ago, so yeah, no promises)

Junior ♥

Hi there! It has been a while since I last update. My previous post was in January. A lot of things happened recently. I can't really say 2021 was my best year since I had major loss this year. I lost so many this year, I didn't know how to feel anymore. Our family's first loss was Junior, my 15 years old cat. He was feeling unwell since last year in December. I brought him to the vet and the doctor confirmed that he was diagnosed with "Feline panleukopenia virus" which is also known as parvovirus. There was a cure for the virus but we figured it out much later that it had gotten worse, and at the time we figured out about the virus, it was already at stage four. I tried my best to take good care of Junior. At first, he didn't want to consume any food nor water. But I insisted on him, gave him the medicines doctor have provided. Soon after that, he began to seem healthier. I was happy because there was progress. But then, things just got worse because he then stopped consuming everything. He became so weak to the point he was paralyzed. The image of him trying to come to me when he was paralyzed is still lingering in my mind. I felt terrible for not being able to do anything at the time. One night, I decided to not sleep as I was accompanying him and constantly checking on him to see how he was doing. He was extremely weak but still wanting to talk to me which makes feel even sadder. Later on, the next day, was the last time I get to see him. He passed away in the noon. I was extremely broken as I cried the whole week. I was trying to feel better but it was just not easy for me at the time. I lost my 15-year-old cat... Junior has always been a special cat to me. He was actually born from my dearest cat, Kibu which passed away due to an infection in her stomach. I still remember I promised her to take good care of her children on the day she passed away. Junior is our home-born cat, which is why he will always be special to us. At least, to me. I admit that I always paid more attention to Junnie. Till this day, I'm still feeling empty. I feel like everything I love is being taken away... 

2021 ❤

Hi people! ❤

It has been a year since I last update. My previous post was on the month of August in 2019. I guess I must've been really busy or literally depressed. As everyone is concerned, we all have been affected by COVID-19. A lot of things have changed. This pandemic has been affecting everyone from all around the world. It must have been hard but I'm sure most of you got through it. No matter how hard it was, please know that you got through it and that is all that matters. You've been strong physically, mentally and emotionally. Not gonna lie, it was hard for me as well, mostly mentally and emotionally. I went through so much last year. I had my ups and downs but mostly downs. I could say I had more tears than joy last year but I'm glad that phase was over. I kinda wanna summarize what happened last year that I almost reached rock bottom but I feel like there's a reason it was meant to be in the past and it shall remain that way. I dont think bringing it up now. Some things are better left unsaid. Those hard times were hard to swallow, but they sure became eye-opener for me. It made me realize a lot of things. I finally had my senses back and realize what I needed to do for myself. I'm actually glad that I went through to all that because I matured so much from what happened. I believe everything happens for a reason and I'm sure there's good to it. Sometimes, certain things may not happen accordingly the way we want them, but Allah's plans are far better than our dreams, therefore all we need is faith. Isnt it scary? To not know what is going to happen in the future but still, we choose to believe. Why do we choose to believe? Because without strength from Allah, we wouldnt even be able to go through our rough days in life. I feel like all we need is a little hope, that everything will eventually turn out great. I had so much in my mind. I want to do a lot of things. I want to be able to learn new things and try something new. Something that is out of my comfort zone. I just want to improve myself and make sure that I grow up as a better person. I want to have good thoughts even during bad days. Even though things may be different now, but I believe better days are coming. After rain comes a rainbow. Let's just have some faith and hope, shall we? May 2021 be a better year for all of us. A year of realization ❤

Life update ❤

Hi everyone! It has been a while since I last update. For those who still take some of your precious time to read my pointless post, thank you :) I'm sorry for not posting as often as I should. I have so much to update, I dont even know where to start huhu. Hm, first of all, I finished my semesters and is currently doing my internship until the end of November. I hope for everything to go well, I hope Allah ease everything. & of course I've been thru hard times while I was trying to finish my fifth which happens to be my last semester. So many things happened. It turns out to be worse than I thought it would be. Some who were with me from the beginning begins to go farther away from me. Tbvh, it did hurt me internally but I believe it is for the best. I lose so much, I cant even count. Broken friendships, bonds, relationships and the worst part is, I lose myself too. I was too busy trying to love someone, trying so hard to understand someone else, I DIDNT realize I was neglecting my well-being. That is the worst thing I ever did to myself. I was in unbearable pain, the pain was too much for me to handle. I keep telling myself to be strong, I was hopeless, lonely and no one was really there for me to support spiritually. Imagine feeling lonely when you're surrounded by many people. The feeling when you're doubting yourself. The feeling when you feel like killing yourself just to end the pain. I was depressed for as long as I could remember. I DEFINITELY HATED myself at that time. I keep asking the Lord why I had to feel that way, why was it so hard for me when it was easy for other people. Why did I have to go thru such a painful journey? I kept asking at that time, why things never go my way. I cried my lungs out, I felt like giving up. But, I wanna thank myself for staying strong. I was thinking of doing an appreciation post for myself. I dont care what others will say about it. What I know is, I have Allah with me, and most importantly, my beloved family whom I love the most. My love life went downhill. The person I thought was going to be the last for me, turns out not. I had my hopes high, loved too much, put too much effort. I tried but if things doesnt want to work out, it just wont no matter how much I try. Maybe it was my fault when I looked for love thinking that it might the last for me. Probably I was being selfish for my own feelings. I think I'm gonna take a break from love. The only love I need at the moment is self-love. I want to be able to love myself first before I start to love anyone else. I stopped listening to music for as long as I could possibly remember due to heartbreaks. I was so broken that I lost myself. I thought I would never get over it but turns out I manage to get myself to go for another day. I kept myself busy so I wont have time to think of the unnecessary matters. I always thought to myself that he wasnt probably thinking of me any longer. Therefore I should stop. I know I deserve someone a hundred times better. I wish the "right one" will come at the most unexpected place in the most unexpected time. I promise I'll love him right as long as he doesnt the same thing. I will not repeat the same mistakes I did in the past, I wont be selfish any longer. My next & last one will be so lucky because I'll make sure he feels so loved that even during his bad days where he hate himself the most, he'll want to love himself because of the love and bond we have. I'm sure that day will come. The world's not perfect but it's not that bad. I believe eventually, things will get better :) Anyways, I just received my final semester result and guess what? I got the dean list again! I'm super grateful for what Allah has given. It is indeed true that Allah will give you more than you expect. Never underestimate the power of dua' and also the power of Allah SWT :) I hope what I dreamt of will come true! I'm thankful for what life has given and shown me, thank you for the hard times that made me stronger. It made me wiser and stronger & to always appreciate myself. Thank you dear self for staying strong. I love you no matter what happens, I promise you, whatever happens, I will always prioritize you first. You will always be enough, I promise you that.